It is like a worm. You feel but you don’t know what you feel. You had inspiration but your creativity has disappeared. You know what you want but you can’t move. When I say it’s like a worm, I mean that life goes on as normal and you keep on with the same everyday routine, but the effects it has on you are different and something is wrong but you don’t know what it is.
Except, you realize, it might be depression.
Now, I’ve never had an actual worm – that I know of – but I’ve had depression many times, and I know the feeling of multiple sudden symptoms building up to: “Are all of these side effects of my anxiety and depression?”
Who can say? But it’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately. Not only have I been busy in the morning and exhausted in the evening, I have also been having periodic depression. It started shortly before my interview on Monday and has been ongoing – I suspect because of the followup interview scheduled for Tuesday. And all that interviews imply. My mood has been triggered by things such as a table full of crap I can’t organize and put away, my husband leaving a mess in a room I just cleaned, the thought of all the work that has to be done in the garden which is dependent on my husband and I syncing up our priority lists. Interestingly, the fact that I spent a lot of time and effort trying to plant the front garden and then realizing the soil probably doesn’t drain enough for herbs – that’s not bothering me much. Maybe it’s because gardening always makes me feel mentally better anyway; maybe it’s because regardless, it’s done, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll go out and buy some bulbs.
I haven’t been blogging much because if I come up with an idea, I never have the motivation to sit down and write. I don’t have paragraphs drafted in my head that I want to get down. I read an article and I feel mentally stimulated but not mentally motivated to do anything about it.
I did have a short debate on Facebook that I would like to write about…. But my confidence in my ability to write it well is very low. I think I have little new and original to say, and I think that if I try to write it now, it’ll come out jumbled and negative. I don’t know if either of those assumptions is true. But soon enough, I’ll be looking at life with a greater excitement and I’ll want to be heard again. Ultimately, I think that’s why I got up the courage to write this – I want to be heard.
Image http://wellcomeimages.org/indexplus/obf_images/25/74/c53e54147ac535b0b7bba3d96ef8.jpg Gallery: http://wellcomeimages.org/indexplus/image/V0011388.html, CC BY 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=36463277